I love you, but I love myself more: Rewatching Sex and the City after 30, all I want is Samantha’s carefree spirit

Do you remember coming home from work, curling up on the couch, and putting on Sex and the City? Back then, we watched Carrie devote herself to love in her column and agonize over Mr. Big, thinking that was the most romantic kind of New York love story. We felt every one of her heartbreaks and secretly saw her as the person we wanted to be: living in New York, writing a column, having a passionate romance, and always having another pair of Manolo Blahniks in the closet.

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When we were younger, all we saw was Carrie.

More than 20 years later, we press play on a streaming platform again. The same opening theme plays, we have an iced Americano in hand, yet our perspective has completely changed. We no longer envy Carrie’s closet full of designer clothes or hold our breath over the relationship that dragged on for six seasons. Instead, Samantha Jones, the PR queen we once thought was too outrageous, wins us over line by line. Growing up quietly rewrites who you see as the heroine.

• Related reading: Samantha Finally Makes a Surprise Appearance: The Season 2 Finale of And Just Like That… Leaves Fans in Tears

Why We Wanted to Be Carrie When We Were Younger, Yet Only Want to Be Samantha as Adults

When we watched Sex and the City at a young age, it was hard not to be drawn to Carrie. She’s emotional and romantic, and she sees love as life’s biggest question. Her intense longing for one person mirrored everything we imagined romance to be as girls. Samantha, meanwhile, seemed too ahead of her time, too unlike the person we thought we were supposed to become. At that age, her frankness and boldness even felt a little intimidating.

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The shift happened gradually. Once we started working, renting apartments, going through a few relationships that never quite worked out, and being worn down by reality a few times, we realized that Carrie’s kind of romance, which places happiness in someone else’s hands, also brings lasting anxiety and self-depletion. Samantha’s philosophy, which we didn’t understand then – take care of yourself first, don’t live for other people’s approval, and never linger when it’s time to leave – has instead become the most practical guide to surviving adulthood.

We haven’t become less romantic; we’ve just finally understood that romance shouldn’t come at the expense of yourself.

Letting Go of Fairy Tales: “The Right Guy” Is Just an Illusion

In the show, while Charlotte is full of rosy fantasies about marriage and desperately waiting for Prince Charming, Samantha mercilessly shatters the myth. She says outright: “The right guy is an illusion. Start living your life.”

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When we were younger, the line seemed a little too pessimistic. After facing the realities of life, though, we realize it’s the perfect cure for being consumed by romance. Carrie spent six seasons waiting for a man to make a commitment, building her happiness on someone else’s indecision. Samantha had long understood that hoping another person will complete you is, at its core, a high-stakes gamble.

This is the first turning point in why we wanted to be Carrie when we were younger and Samantha as adults. As teenage girls, we believed in destiny and thought life would be complete as long as we found the right person. As adults, we understand that rather than spending time on that elusive ideal person, it’s better to put on your heels and make your own everyday life shine. Real security has never come from someone else; it grows from within.

Setting Boundaries in Love: I Love You, but I Love Myself More

This is probably the show’s most powerful scene, and one that modern women often cite as a personal motto. When Richard, a wealthy and successful hotel magnate, holds out a large diamond ring and begs to reconcile, Samantha’s eyes fill with tears, yet she still refuses firmly. She says, “I love you, but I love me more.” She even adds that after being herself for so many years, she won’t change for a man.

When we were younger, we probably felt sorry for Richard and thought Samantha was too heartless. Watching the scene again as adults, our eyes well up. We’ve finally experienced that moment in our own relationships: when you still love someone, yet have no choice but to turn away.

Rather than repeatedly doubting yourself in an unhealthy relationship, learning to cut your losses in time and walk away cleanly is the most elegant form of self-defense today. Samantha left us with more than a line of dialogue; she gave us a map for how not to lose ourselves in love. You can love someone wholeheartedly, yet when a relationship begins to erode your self-respect and sense of security, the only right answer is to choose yourself first. Modern women connect so strongly with this line because we’ve finally understood that the soul we should never betray is the one that has been with us the longest: our own.

Breaking Free From Social Judgment: You Don’t Have to Live for Other People’s Opinions

As the founder of Samantha Jones Public Relations, she can pay for her own New York apartment and buy the handbags she wants. When Carrie feels ashamed about dating a younger man and worries about what others will think, Samantha coolly replies that if she spent all day caring about what everyone in the city said about her, she’d never leave the house.

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In an era full of invisible expectations around women’s age, views on relationships, and marital status, she was already living by her own rules. She doesn’t fret over being unmarried at her age, nor does she apologize for her direct desires. Her confidence in refusing to be constrained by society comes from a strong belief in her own worth. She doesn’t need to fit a traditional family structure to prove her success; her very existence is a beautiful rebuke to those traditional expectations.

And that’s exactly what Carrie couldn’t do then. Carrie cares too much about how others view her relationships, her age, and her choices, while Samantha shut that noise out long ago. Only when we’re chased by comments like, “Why are you still single?” and “You’re not getting any younger,” do we understand how rare Samantha’s confidence in not explaining or defending herself is – and how much we want it.

Friends Are the Soulmates: Modern Women’s Real Support System

Though Sex and the City centers on romance, Samantha was ahead of the curve in pointing out that friendship goes beyond love. She once said that the four women were one another’s soulmates, while men were simply there for fun.

This emphasis on sisterhood reflects the realities of modern women’s lives. After working hard all week, the people you most want to see on a Friday night often aren’t the hard-to-read person you’re casually seeing, but the girlfriends you can meet at an izakaya or cafe to vent to and laugh freely with. Men may drift away, yet the friends who have been through your highs and lows are life’s most steadfast support.

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As we grow up, we realize that what got Carrie through every heartbreak was never a man, but the three women by her side. The independence we long for has never meant going it alone. It’s being like Samantha: able to live well on your own while having a group of girlfriends who won’t leave.

One evening after work, revisit this classic. Watching Samantha stride through the streets of New York with her head held high, you may suddenly understand: when we were younger, we wanted to be Carrie because we longed to be loved; as adults, we want to be Samantha because we’ve finally learned to love ourselves. Once you begin to put the focus back on yourself, whether there’s a right person or not no longer matters as much.

FAQ

Q: What year did Sex and the City premiere?
A: Sex and the City premiered on HBO on June 6, 1998, and ended on February 22, 2004. It ran for six seasons and 94 episodes. The four main characters are Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda.

Q: Why do so many people want to be Samantha rather than Carrie once they grow up?
A: When they were younger, viewers admired Carrie’s devotion to love. After growing up and experiencing reality, they realize that Samantha’s financial independence, refusal to conform to social expectations, and choice to love herself first align more closely with contemporary women’s values than placing their happiness in someone else’s hands.

Q: What’s Samantha’s most iconic quote?
A: Her most frequently quoted line is “I love you, but I love me more,” spoken when she rejects Richard’s plea to reconcile. It’s considered a defining quote about modern women setting boundaries in relationships.

Q: What is Samantha’s job in the show?
A: Samantha Jones owns her own PR firm, Samantha Jones Public Relations. She’s completely financially independent and is the most career-driven and forward-thinking of the four main characters.

Q: Where can I watch Sex and the City now?
A: All six original seasons are currently available on streaming platforms including Netflix. The sequel series And Just Like That… premiered on HBO Max in 2021. Kim Cattrall made a cameo appearance in Season 2.

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