Can being too much of a good girl actually make you sick? The hidden link between people-pleasing and autoimmune diseases
Stop bottling up your feelings until they turn into illness
I recently came across a video with more than 40,000 likes while scrolling on my phone, and it had me nodding along. In it, a girl says to the camera that if you keep being a good girl who goes along with everything, you could eventually develop an autoimmune disease. It sounds scary, even a little exaggerated, yet the comments are filled with women sharing real experiences of their bodies raising red flags after prolonged stress.
- Related reading: 3 types of unproductive office socializing you should have let go of long ago: Take a step back, and don’t let temporary coworkers take over your life
From a young age, we’re taught to be considerate and sensible, and to fill our work emails with exclamation points so we seem friendly. To make everyone happy, we often make ourselves smaller and smaller. Yet it wasn’t until the online wave of “refusing to be a good girl” took off that we suddenly realized our bodies had been keeping track of all the hurt we’d swallowed.
A viral online topic
At the heart of this widely discussed online trend is a simple idea: forcing yourself to be the perfect girl full of “love and light” may be what leaves you constantly exhausted or even causes irritable bowel syndrome or an autoimmune disease. Many creators have shared that once they began setting boundaries, learned to say no, and even occasionally became a “difficult woman” in others’ eyes, their chronic inflammation improved instead.
View this post on Instagram
Of course, directly equating personality with illness isn’t entirely medically accurate, and no medical report is going to list “being too kind” as the cause. Still, this resonates because we’re all deeply tired of this endless depletion. The energy spent maintaining surface-level peace really is draining our reserves of health.
What does medical research say about the link between stress and women’s health?
Putting internet memes aside, the data show that women do face a disproportionate risk of autoimmune disease. According to the U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH), as many as 80% (four out of five) of people with autoimmune diseases are women. That’s no coincidence.
The connection between stress and inflammation has long been supported by science. A large 2018 study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) found that people diagnosed with stress-related disorders had a significantly greater risk of developing autoimmune diseases. Another study from 2020 found that people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) had a 58% higher risk of developing these diseases. When we remain tense for long periods, trying to please others and fearing conflict, our nervous systems stay in a constant state of readiness. Over time, the immune system can begin attacking the body itself.
Why do we unconsciously become people-pleasers?
View this post on Instagram
Should women be blamed for worrying too much? In reality, this has more to do with long-standing social norms. Whether through caregiving responsibilities at home or emotional labor in the workplace, women are often expected to “smooth out the rough edges and make everyone comfortable.” Sometimes, this people-pleasing isn’t even voluntary; it’s a survival strategy for staying safe in a biased environment.
All those unspoken “no’s,” all the grievances swallowed for the greater good, don’t disappear in the end. They become bees inside the body, turning around to sting us. That’s why, when someone online cries out, “Stop being a good girl,” we feel so understood.
Putting yourself first is the best investment in your health
We’re often willing to spend money each month on spa massages and expensive supplements to relieve fatigue, yet we don’t dare offer a simple refusal when faced with an unreasonable request. Real self-care starts with learning to protect your energy.
View this post on Instagram
This doesn’t mean becoming a malicious person. It means understanding that your kindness needs an edge. Allow yourself to be angry. Allow yourself not to be able to do everything. Allow others to feel disappointed in you. The next time you want to shortchange yourself to accommodate someone else, pause and ask: Is this decision worth it for my physical and mental health? After all, nothing needs to be treated with more kindness than you do.
Besides this article, here are a few recent stories also worth checking out:
- Stop stressing over shared interests: couples who make it to the end are usually perfectly in sync on these 3 things
- The most healing autumn escape: Karuizawa’s Shishi-Iwa House welcomes the Hunter’s Moon with 2 exclusive experiences
- A tearjerker without playing the victim: 3 reasons why “My Remaining Love” is the most moving dating show of the year
